Friday, December 5, 2008

But does HYDRA have a dental plan?

So I was sitting at my desk, facing a growing stack of work that needs to be taken care of before the holidays, and I thought: Which subversive group bent on world domination is better, A.I.M. or HYDRA?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that living in the Marvel Universe gives would-be fascists, anarchists and other various nut-jobs three main options in gainful employment. And I'm talking about the full-on, global conspiracy, sleeper-agents-everywhere type of organization; gangs and groups with one specific enemy in mind don't count. I'm looking for an association with vision, man. Here are the choices:

HYDRA: HYDRA has been causing trouble in the Marvel U since the end of World War II, and was founded by fugitives from the Nazi German and Imperial Japanese governments. These guys are such bad news that S.H.I.E.L.D. was created specifically to deal with the threat they posed. Thanks to that, they have a serious hate-on for Nick Fury and Captain America, but have really mixed it up with pretty much every hero to put on spandex. Also, they have an awesome motto and a kick-ass logo! Check it out:

That Madame Hydra's not bad, either. But the breakout agent would have to be Bob, a HYDRA field operative who was kidnapped by Deadpool and then just kept hanging out.

HYDRA has credibly threatened to destroy the world or major world cities countless times, and are always a sure sign of trouble. Plus, do you know what HYDRA stands for? Nothing. It's not an acronym at all — HYDRA is just so damn evil that it always spells its name in all caps.

A.I.M.: A.I.M., on the other hand, does stand for something — Advanced Idea Mechanics — which may be the coolest and nerdiest name for a terrorist group ever. It makes sense, since A.I.M. is a splinter group that was originally the technological arm of HYDRA. Cut off from HYDRA, A.I.M. nonetheless survived on its own and went on to become the most evil R&D department ever with the goal of overthrowing the world's governments with SCIENCE! Some of its achievements include the reality-altering Cosmic Cube, the Super-Adaptoid android, and best of all, MODOK. When the Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing went online it worked perfectly, killing the leader of A.I.M. and taking over the group itself. Sadly, the A.I.M. agents are little harder to take seriously thanks to their beekeeper uniforms.

But there's always one guy who can make even the silliest clothes work, and in this case that would be Karl, the most laid-back covert operative in history.

Karl is like one of those cool guys who is so relaxed you're amazed anything gets done, but Karl is Taking Care of Business. Karl's the kind of guy I want to work with, especially if things are getting conquery.

The Hand: The group known as The Hand is a little different from the first two, putting a lot more emphasis on honor, demon-worship and old-school swordplay. Essentially a super-yakuza, The Hand are both a league of assassins and organized crime outfit with roots in the 16th century. It's also more of a cult than a cartel, with a membership made up of occult ninjas who turn to dust when they're dealt mortal wounds. One thing they do share with HYDRA and A.I.M. is a tendency to fight en masse ... bad news for Daredevil, Iron Fist and mostly any hero who's ever taken a karate lesson. Their red uniforms are pretty standard, but still impressive when there are suddenly a bunch of crimson ninja swarming over rooftops.

The Hand is especially fond of suppressing individuality, but there's still one mercenary who rises above the rest. Kirigi is super-strong, an expert in all sorts of ninja weaponry and kind of a zombie who was raised from the dead.


You can see my dilemma. Still, I don't think I have the flexibility for the acrobatics of The Hand, or the fashion sense to pull off the A.I.M. uniform. Besides, I'm a sucker for a solid history and a catchy jingle, so I think I'd find myself leaning toward the boys in green and yellow.

So which nutty, would-be world dominators would you hook up with? There's a survey in the right-hand column, and I'd like to hear your reasons in the comments.



Khairul H. said...

I chose the Hand because I think ninjas are kewl.

Johnny B said...

No love for the Maggia?

~P~ said...

While all three have the ginchiest uniforms since the Shriners (or maybe even the Mummers), I found myself thinking about this logically (which, is probably not the time to start using logic, since I'm on line for a career in "organized henching").

- I'm all about the cool green uniforms and world-traveling of HYDRA, but I'm not much of a "group" guy. And the fact that they're pretty easy-going with you getting killed and replaced doesn't bespeak much for job security.

- I used to be in fabulous shape and was more than agile enough for the HAND, but since I got married, I've lost that lean taught edge.
The whole Ninja thing would force me to get back into exercise - AND I'd get to see the orient (which is a dream for me).
Still, that whole resurrected as a zombie thing might not go over too well when I come home from "work".
SO... pass.

- A.I.M. however has the perfect gig of sitting in a lab, relaxing in my yellow-beekeeper's outfit, using my brain more than my brawn AND (best of all) with that helmet... I could catch a few Z's every now and again, and no one would be the wiser.

So... I'd be a fellow in yellow!


Maxo said...

Khairul: You make a strong argument, my friend.

Johnny: I forgot all about the Maggia! Still, they're more of a crime syndicate than a bunch of wannabe world-topplers. I guess you could say the same for The Hand, but see Khairul's reasoning above.

P: I hadn't considered the opportunities for slacking available at A.I.M. Plus, they probably have the better holiday parties. I might have to think about this.